I don’t definitely remember the first time I felt infertile, but I was pretty young. Maybe 16? The first time I remember it was when I was at another doctors appointment about why I never had my period (my endocrine issues got me way too many OBGYN appts. for a teenage virgin). And I remember feeling like a freak when the nurse doing the intake asked me about the first day of my last period. And I said, “uhhh like maybe a year and a half ago, that’s why i’m here?”; and the nurse looked shocked like she had never heard anything like this before. I remember talking to the doctor and asking if I’d be able to have children, and she wasn’t sure. And I remember sobbing, and feeling that it was weird that I’d feel emotional about having a likely future fertility issues at such a young age. Moments like that hurt my heart.
There were many times at young ages that I felt different and infertile because of my slew of endocrine issues and being told I’d need massive fertility treatments by several doctors who were completely puzzled by my case. And it wounds my heart to think about. I try to move past it. Enjoy the fact that when we were ready, somehow, regardless by the Grace of God, we conceived naturally in only a year and a few months and I’m almost 16 and a half weeks pregnant with my miracle baby. I try to take happy weekly bump pictures and focus on my joy and excitement, share part of my experience with others hoping I’ll catch on and it will outweigh my anxiety and negativity somehow. and I AM SO EXCITED because rationally, chances are I will be a mommy in around 5 months from now!!!!! Being a mommy is my dream. But there is a part of me that feels broken and terrified that my broken body will screw up and hurt my baby. I can’t fully connect with it for that reason.
It feels too good to happen to me that I could naturally conceive and have a healthy child after this journey that was one of the most painful things I have ever been through. I am thrilled. I am also terrified that it will end. At every test I half expect terrible news. Scenes of horrible, tragic scenarios of awful things happening to this baby run through my mind. I cannot stop myself from googling potential things that could happen. Could my baby have tripolody (an extra set of chromosomes) or some other terrible condition that would make it incompatible with life? Maybe another chromosome issue. Maybe my body will reject the pregnancy even if the baby is healthy and lose it in the 2nd trimester. Maybe I’ll have placental failure. For years I feared I’d never get pregnant long before we tried. I had this recurrent nightmare for years that I was pregnant and I knew something was terribly wrong, but I didn’t quite know what. I never thought good things would happen to me in this area.
Well, now I am pregnant. There is a baby in my belly, that God has placed there. Pregnancy is scary because I can’t control anything about it. I can’t knit my baby together or protect it. All I can do it lay hands on my belly and pray God’s hand of protection and that His blood will cover my little one. Because that’s all I really can do.
I just had to see my baby again before the 20 week scan, so yesterday at 16+1 or 2 my husband and I took an impromptu date to one of those private scan places. We saw our little one moving around, which was beautiful to see. It grew a lot since 12 weeks (or 11+5 when I had my nuchal test). And we asked to know the gender. To our shock, it looks like…
When she told us that I started crying. Honestly, I always hoped to have at least 1 girl, but from the moment I suspected I was pregnant I totally 90% thought it was a boy (and I was so used to that idea I really thought it was and would also love a little boy). I still don’t believe it because I was so sure and had been saying “he” (yet I also didn’t believe I was pregnant for weeks either because I was so sure it would never happen). It feels too good to be real. Could I really have a healthy baby, AND a girl??? Maybe? I’ll believe it’s a girl if another sonographer tells us that at 20 weeks. I just hope baby is healthy and pray that every day many times a day. If she is a girl, we are not 100% sure but are leaning towards the name “Selah”… it is from the Psalms and it means to pause and reflect. And God willing baby is healthy (if it IS a she, which I’m not convinced of yet!), I want to frequently thank God for her and reflect on His goodness and Grace to me. and to her. … but we also like the names Maaya, Eowyn, Zoe, and I like Hope and Grace, but Richie’s not as into those. We aren’t sharing gender with anyone for a long time (esp. because I don’t quite believe it yet!)… our parents didn’t even know we did this extra little scan.
Terrified as I have part 2 of my sequential screening this coming week. Praying so hard for perfect results. If that and the upcoming anatomy scan goes well, I think I’ll relax a bit! My mom had me and my sister quite early, so I’ll probably get anxious again a few weeks after that. I was a 32 week premie!!!